Everybody’s free (to wear a facemask)

Back in the late ’90s I did a pastiche of the “Everybody’s free (to wear sunscreen)” hit by Baz Lurhmann, but for chemists on the original ChemWeb site, no less, I was their original weekly columnist, so I kind of had a captive audience for many a year over there. Anyway, it was entitled “Everybody’s free (to wear goggles)“. Hilarious, yeah…I know, haha!

Now, I hear there’s a new release from Lez Burham of Strictly Rouge and The Moulin Ballroom fame, this time redone for The Covid Age…

…it’s called Everybody’s free (to wear a facemask). I know, I know, again, hilarious!

The B-side is called “Everybody’s free (to applaud on their doorstep, bang a tambourine on the lawn, or a hit pan with a wooden spoon in their front garden on Thursday evenings at twenty-hundred hourse after their tea and then to make a substantial donation to the NHS careworker support charities)”

Deliberate choice of alternative backing sample for this video…Teardrop by Massive Attack used as the theme music for House MD, see what I did there?

“To you the people of 2020, if I could offer you one tip, not for the future but for right now, it would be wear a face mask.

Stay at home, staying alert is not enough. Stay well.

Wash your hands, don’t touch your face, even if you’ve washed your hands. Don’t bury your head in your hands, if you have to wipe away a tear use an antiseptic wipe. Oh, that smarts.

Sneeze on to your shoulder. Cough into the crook of your elbow. If you don’t know your arse from your elbow, you’re not alone, ask Boris for advice.

Dispose of that Kleenex safely

Don’t go outside too much, don’t drive too far. If you must drive wipe the door handle with antiseptic gel.

Look after your parents. Meet your Mom in the park, but tell her to bring her own picnic. Dad’s not invited but he can meet someone else on the other side of the flowerbeds. Bring a very big picnic blanket, one that’s at least 7 feet by 7 feet. Don’t have a kickabout with your Mom, the ball might be contaminated.

No hugging, no kissing, no singing. Don’t go to the pub. The pub is dry.

Go back to work if you want to, but don’t take the bus, don’t go by train. Avoid cyclists. Conga to church and pray for a vaccine. Stay at home if you don’t want to work.

Applaud the NHS, shake a tambourine, bang a pan, don’t hold a solo gig in your front garden. Donate to charities supporting health workers.

Shop only for essentials. Beer is an essential.

Drink beer. But take off that snotty mask first.

Wash your hands again, don’t touch your first, stand in the corner. Go to the naughty step, you touched someone else’s face.

And breathe…

Author: 雷竞技官网

Award-winning freelance science writer, author of Deceived Wisdom. Sharp-shooting photographer and wannabe rockstar.